Under-The-Shirt Politics...

I have always looked on Victoria’s Secret ads with a totally puzzled and fairly disgusted eye. Their catalogues are famous the world over as more likely to be found covered with not-mysterious stains under a teenage boy’s bed than with pages hopefully turned down on the average woman’s kitchen table. ‘Victoria Secret model’ is synonymous with ‘Most Beautiful Women in the World’ airbrushed to a whole new level of terrifying perfection. ‘Angel’ is a laughable and insulting term for these bra-and-panties clad gym-and-salad gorging semi-humans. In a sense, however, it didn’t matter. It is an American institution; it is the American way. It was across the pond and avoidable.

But now, like all things, the inevitable American influence has washed up on our shores in the form of La Senza’s Cup-Sized Choir. Seriously, who are they trying to sell to? Boyfriends and husbands? Not only appealing to the lowest-common-denominator of the male gender, but also a slap-in-the-face Christmas gift. ‘Honey, I saw boobs on TV and thought buying the product for you would make you more desirable…’. Well Merry Fucking Christmas to you too! Why don’t I book you in for a penis enlargement?

Why is women’s underwear advertised this way? In our lifetimes, probably 90% of our underwear ownership is about comfort, support and fit. About US! 10% is about looking hot for some luck guy. If we put the power of purchase in the hands of men, what is left? We’ll all be walking around with scraps of fabric up our asses and nipple tassels under our work shirts…

There is a whole other post to be written about the fact that there is only one store in the UK that sells bras made in real sizes. Any woman who has been measured by a professional knows that hardly anyone is actually a 34B. For now, though, I ask you, WHY WHY WHY is our underwear being sold to us via men? Why is the sexy 10% of our underwear needs the only part being pitched to us?

In closing, I should make it abundantly clear that I absolutely love wearing hot underwear, the objects themselves are not anti-feminist, but I don’t see how these ads can be taken any other way…

What Lies Beneath...

So, I've already talked about my need for a long, white tie-appropriate, dress, and I just received a gorgeous backless number from ASOS. It's divine and even post-shower, pre-make up, it felt red carpet worthy.

However...

It's backlessness is going to be a problem. I am not busty at the best of times, and sans support I feel like a prepubescent boy. So, what's the solution?

I've been reading about the new 'blackless, frontless, strapless, halterneck-friendly' solutions, but do they work?

Fashion Forms seems to offer several solutions, all of which look pretty terrifying, but which offer the security we girls need at times when conventional bras won't cut it.

This is the 'Backless and Strapless bra' which sticks on, and is probably the least daunting option, (£30, ASOS).

Otherwise, there's the Nu Bra Devine Body Silicone Bra, (£44, ASOS). Which looks like a cross between a futuristic device of torture and a Victorian undergarment.

There Triangle Cups, (£20, ASOS) might look crass but part of me feels that the simple design might be more effective than the other options. They are the be stuck to the dress, rather than the body, which would seem good in the sense that you won't end up with bright pink, raw skin in the shape of triangles on your boobs, but also means there's no 'lift' potential.

Lastly, there are these 'Beautiful Lift' stickers which claim to give lift and shape, (£20, ASOS). Eventually, these will probably be the best way to go. This seems the most subtle, and the most secure option - because the stickers are small, there's less weight for the adhesive to bear. We all know that there's nothing worse than betraying the illusion of perfect grace by giving everyone a peek at the engineering beneath the dress, especially when the elements of construction in question are sliding across the floor and causing a waiter slip and spill a tray of champagne...

Ok, maybe that's a little extreme.

It's also worth mentioning that while at this white tie affair, I will be spending several hours engaged in one of the most rigorous and energetic modes of dance: Scottish Reeling.

As a result, any adhesive would have to be industrial strength to withstand the 7 hours of bouncing, turning, tripping, falling, bashing, clapping and stamping that goes with this particular activity.

If anyone has any experience with these products, I would really appreciate reviews, otherwise, I'll have to buy blind, and just stick-on-and-pray...